A Flowery Song

2 cups spent grain, drained
1 cup plain yogurt
.5 cup warm water
.25 cup packed brown sugar
1 packet (~1 tablespoon) active dry yeast
.25 cup olive oil
1 teaspoon salt
3.5 cups bread flour

Combine the grain and yogurt in a food processor or blender and process for a minute or so. Pour the resulting mixture into a large mixing bowl. Rinse the blender into the bowl using .5 cup warm water. Add brown sugar and yeast; stir. Let the yeast proof for about ten minutes, then add the oil, salt, and half of the flour. Gradually add the remaining flour until the dough takes on the correct consistency. Knead, and let rise in a warm place until doubled. Punch down and transfer to a lightly oiled bread pan. Let rise until doubled, then bake in a 400F oven for approximately 45 minutes.

Background: I love cream wafers. There’s something about the crunchy layers that appeals to me on a visceral level. This specimen comes in individually packaged servings and is made in Vietnam for a Malaysian company called Wonderfarm Biscuits & Confectionery. Oh, and they’re coconut flavoured.

Nose: Grainy and sweet, dried coconut.

Taste: Sadly dry and dusty, though nicely crunchy. There’s coconut flavour there, but it’s oddly oily and unpleasant.

Overall: Cream wafers don’t aspire to the level of haute cuisine on their best day, and this isn’t their best day.

Background: Claims to be “wickedly delicious”, and has a picture of a pepper on the label. So I’m expecting some heat.

Looks like fairly standard relish. But wow, it smells very garlicky, which I wasn’t quite expecting. Some sweetness and cider vinegar also on the nose.

Definitely a sweet relish. A fair bit of garlic, but only a small amount of spice.

Like mayonnaise, relish isn’t exactly something one sits down and eats with a spoon. Another trait relish shares with mayonnaise is being an important ingredient in tuna salad. So let’s see how this one does.

It does…okay, I guess. Any hints of heat basically disappear, so the only thing that makes it stand out from your bog-standard sweet relish is some tangy garlic. Which is nice, but not quite what I was looking for.

Overall: Needs more heat.

Background: I’ve evidently caught them in the middle of a brand shift, since there’s an extra sticker on the back that proclaims “Same Great Nayonaise, New Look”, while the actual label makes no reference to Nayonaise. Yep, it’s another vegan mayo substitute, with ingredients including soymilk, soybean and/or sunflower oil, guar gum, xanthan gum, and sodium alginate. Mmm, emulsifiers.

Not a very appetizing start, with a bit of separation at the top. Mixed back in okay, though there was still a lumpy impression. Smells like white vinegar and chicken bones. As for taste…the less, said, the better. The flavour has a nasty soybean oil component (I’ve always hated when it sneaks into spreads and dips), and other than that is fairly bland.

In the tuna salad test, the texture’s right but the flavour just isn’t there.

Overall: The only thing this has going is a nice creamy texture (in the non-separated bits, anyway).

Background: Zingerman’s does a great line of cheeses, including some excellent goat cheeses. The “Little Ypsi” is one of their newer offerings, and is a small (approximately two inches in diameter and one inch high) cylindrical cheese is akin to a French crottin. It’s made from local goats’ milk with animal rennet, then aged for a bit.

Beautiful butter-yellow rind, snow-white inside. Smells goaty and cheesy, just like goat cheese ought. Dense, creamy, and soft, with just a hint of flaking. While there’s some smooth barnyard in the background, this specimen is fairly fresh with a less goaty flavour than it will develop with more aging.

Overall: A little nugget of goaty goodness. Mmm, goat.

Background: When I saw this on sale, I thought to myself, “Self, that kind of makes sense. Mayonnaise is just an emulsion of oil and water with egg, and if you use bacon grease as part of your oil that could be tasty.” Upon arriving home and reading the label more closely, I became a bit apprehensive. This product is both vegetarian and kosher, which are not words normally associated with bacon. Evidently, smoke flavour and a colouring agent are enough to make this “bacon flavoured”. A bit of a letdown, but time to soldier on and actually taste some.

Smells somewhat bacony, but more like those bacon-ish cardboard bits on the salad bar than a panful of sizzling pig. Colour is orange-ish, with unidentified black bits sprinkled througout. Very salty. Main flavour is liquid smoke, with a bit of soybean oil. Nice and creamy.

The acid test for any mayonnaise-like product is, of course, the tuna salad sandwich. Baconnaise performs okay here, since smoke and fish are a good combination-though it’s still a bit on the salty side and the smoke flavour turns slightly acrid in the finish.

Overall: Disappointing. While I wouldn’t kick it out of bed in the morning, it’s not what I was expecting when I purchased it.

Background: Among us degenerate inhabitants of North America, cassava is perhaps most often encountered in its processed starch form of tapioca, but, as the bag tells me, cassava is “consumed by millions around the world” and “provides twice the fiber of the common potato”. It’s also poisonous in its raw unprocessed form, but fortunately Arico has gone ahead and fried these in palm or sunflower or safflower oil. Also available in “Original”, “Sea Salt Mist”, and “Ginger on Fire”.

Slightly thicker than a standard potato chip, more in the realm of kettle chips. Very little evidence of any barbecue flavouring in the appearance, other than an orange tint (perusing the ingredients, the colouring is probably from paprika). Nice crunch on eating, but there really is very little about them that says “barbecue” as opposed to, oh, “salt and sugar”.

Overall: Can’t say I’m in love. I eat chips for flavour, not fiber, and these just don’t deliver.

Background: A jelly-like dessert produced by boiling Mesona chinensis, a member of the mint family.

Translucent, black, and slightly firmer than cranberry jelly, with a slightly bitter lavender-like herbal flavour.

Plain, it’s kind of watery and blah. With sugar…well, it’s still no stunner. Might be good in a fruit salad for some added textural contrast.

Background: Fruit-flavoured jelly snacks manufactured by Tsang Lin Industries in Taichung, Taiwan. Each little cup contains, in addition to naturally flavoured seaweed-thickened gel, one or two chunks of what’s probably coconut.

There’s a small amount of liquid hiding out inside these buggers, so be gentle when opening. The gel’s texture is slightly firmer than normal gelatin snacks, and the chunk of whatever provides a nice contrast.

Pineapple: Faint pineapple flavour. A bit blandly sugary, to be honest.

Grape: Tastes purple, as is fitting for a purple gel.

Strawberry: Decent. Stronger flavour than the pineapple, slightly more natural than the grape.

Green Apple: My favourite. I’ve always loved pretty much anything “green apple”, and this provides that. I’d like it to be a bit tarter, but it’s okay as-is.

Overall: Hey, it’s fruit gels, not haute cuisine. There’s no great depth of flavour, but were you really expecting that?

Background: Mayonnaise substitute from Follow Your Heart® in California. Available in four (soon to be five) varieties, with the main difference being the type of oil used as the base: Original (canola oil), Expeller Pressed (higher-grade canola oil), Grapeseed Oil, Organic (organic soybean oil), and the upcoming Reduced Fat (a blend of safflower, olive, and flaxseed oils). Other ingredients include brown rice syrup, cider vinegar, soy protein, salt, mustard flour, and concentrated lemon juice. The result is an egg- and gluten-free vegan product.

Appearance: Good texture, looks just like mayonnaise.

Nose: The cider vinegar, lemon, and mustard make themselves apparent.

Taste: Tangy and creamy; a bit more mustard than I remember commercial mayonnaise having. I wonder if this was a deliberate flavour profile choice or a result of needing the emulsifiers in the mustard. Either way, I like it.

Overall: Clean, fresh flavours and an excellent texture make this an ideal mayonnaise substitute for anyone avoiding eggs or looking for a slightly healthier sandwich spread.